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Donnerstag, 16. Juni 2016

Plan and broke

 
 
 
The plan was clear. My birthday had passed with the usual catastrophe, and I had just mopped up the shards and ruins of that what was left of my life afterwards as usual, so, in order to celebrate another survival of the shittiest day of the year, I thought, yeah, get out to do some foraging and some nice riding, have a coffee and a cake.
 
I went to the Felsengarten and got myself some herbs... 
 Sage, salvia officinalis, in German: Salbei, for tea. I like to have a sage tea when the weather is hot to cool down, and it´s good against coughs and flus and fever.


 Got myself some pine cones and sprouts for pine honey against coughs and stomach problems and for schnapps.
 Some common yarrow (Alchemilla millefolia, in German: Schafgarbe)
 Lavender, because it smells oh so good and for mead spice.
 Oh yeah, and I DID some light trials riding amongst the rocks and had fun. BIG mistake, as we will learn further down.
 But at first, I paid a long overdue visit to one of my fav cafés, the käse-deele. I had a coffee and a wafer...
 It started to rain, but I was sitting smugly under a bush and really enjoyed the good food, the solitude and the soft and silent rain.
 In fact, the landlady came over and we had a chat, and I got myself another really good coffee at a bargain, and I really breathed through and enjoyed my life. Moments like this are really cool for me, for then I can forget that the world´s a shitty place these days and people kill each other all over the world for petty reasons. It reminds me of the good old days of my childhood, of simple joys like this.
I know this is escapism, but what shall I do? I can´t help it any. I can just try to keep the damage at a minimum. And my own life is not exactly easy, too, so I need my time-out, too.

Turned out it was not that sustainable. I just rolled away from the café to hit some trails, when my bike started to creak. And creak louder. And louder still. And with a final crack I found myself sitting almost on my rear tire, for my seat tube broke.

Can´t afford a new frame, of course.

So, again some stressing out, for I do not just ride for the fun of it, but to get around, too.
Having no bike will raise my costs to a level where even getting to work will compromise my food and bodycare. Cool. :-(

Now, I will of course find a solution. Of course I will make it work. And it will not depress me any more. But it sucks. It is not that I do not work. It´s just that no one wants to pay me for it. If I would be on the dole, I would have 300 € more to spend per month. But I refuse to have anyone tell me how to live my private life. So the dole is not an option.

I do not want to whine about all this. Whining will not help. Noone will mercy me. There is no mercy, and who tells otherwise is lying.

What I sincerely want is that you understand this:

Everything comes at a price. Freedom isn´t free. Sometimes life sucks. But I will not die by a cracked frame. I do not regret the coffee or the wafers or the chat or the rain or the fragrant herbs in my backpack. I do not regret the soft rain on my face and the silent moments or well-natured chats with fellow humans. It is sad that my frame broke, and one might get a bit superstitious, and yap, I am. But I do not want to trade for a Mammonist´s life. I don´t want to give in to the anxiety that befouls so many people´s lives these days.

Some of you have hard lives that suck sometimes. Life these days is not only not easy for many of you, but a shitty hell, when you are standing on the wrong side of the line. But problems can be solved. And after every problem solved, you come out the stronger for it. You might not notice, and people tell you otherwise, but it´s simple and true.

If you give in to Mammon, however, not only your life is fucked, but your soul.

I refuse my ancient soul to be taken from me by the grey one. Call him Mammon-Pluto, Mammon-Baal, Baal-Zamon, Vrtra, Nidhöggr, Azi-Dahaka, Shaitan or Satan, it does not matter. By solving my problems with a smile, I will fight him. I will fight him to my last breath and from the first breath of my next life, with every breath of the next life to the last breath and so on through the aeons, until the world will end or this abomination is erased from the Noumenon. I will fight with smile and laughter and tears and cries and making good things and enjoying and being sad and being fierce and loving and furious and gentle. I will fight him in the world and the next and all worlds that can be, and in my own soul. I will fight him at the roots of the world tree and high up in the sky. I will tear apart his disciples with my hammers and tongs, with my saw and my chisel, with my files and pens and pencils, with sword and shield, with bow and arrow, with gun and rifle, with cauldron and goblet, with dagger and staff. By the fortress of the four winds: He will not take over completely my soul or the souls of my friends. By the heart of the Holy Wind: I will name him. By fire and wind: I will raid his fortress of the nine lies, and my dragons will seize him and prey on his flesh. I will fly again.

Period.

Care to join in? ;-)

Kommentare:

  1. Sorry your life sucks at the moment. I'm sure things will eventually improve, but I'll make no predictions how soon. Hang in there.

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    1. Thanks for your kindness, and I will hang in there, of course. I owe this to a lot of people who are far worse off than myself. And I do not complain. I fight, and even if there would be no improvement I would hang in there.

      It´s just a frame that broke. Not my heart. Some people suffer from sickness, injury, are homeless and even worse, hopeless. So many children are far worse off than myself. I have enough to eat (well, most of the time), my butt is nice and cozy, and my debts are comparatively tiny. I have good friends and experience a lot of wonderful things. Life does not suck. It is worth it. What sucks are circumstances not even made by the deceiver, but by his disciples.

      By clinging to hope and faith I do much more harm to them than by clawing and clutching at them.

      I know your life is not exactly easy either... so my return goes to you with all my best wishes.

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  2. Much respect. I'm also learning how to take with grace things I have no control over, though I think the real trials are ahead and in this state of mind I welcome them. The trouble is how to maintain this state of mind and not get beaten down so easily.

    I'm riding more nowadays and hoping to end my dependence on cars altogether. To end my dependence on the commercial machine is another matter, but more and more I realize that my needs for health and happiness are few.

    I bought my 26" hardtail via craigslist for very little (very little to someone who still worked a meaningless job and got paid well for it). It's old and heavy, and the cheap suspension fork needs to go, but it makes me happy. I've repacked most of the bearings after much neglect, and even found that the old bottom bracket cartridge is easy to service. I installed bmx bars for a rather more upright position, and I really like the setup for most types of riding that I do - which is nothing fancy. Sometimes I just ride slowly, but sometimes I do enjoy flying down a path, and now my bottom bracket feels like it should be an inch or two higher. I'm thinking when I get a different fork I'll try a 650b tire up front.

    I'm still digging my simple singlespeed conversion, even for climbing, though I may end up overworking the Shimano freewheel and regret not taking your advice about replacing it. I have to tempt fate a little.

    Owning a bike does give me some anxiety, and it shouldn't. It's a gift, same as the new rubber I found at a steep discount. I worry about how to lock it up when I leave it in public, and I worry about the next maintenance need. But whether it will give me joy for years to come or it soon breaks down or gets stolen, I will enjoy it while I can, and try to be more worthy of its service.

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    1. Leo, I am with you on the worrying part. Being short of money means you end up having a lot more sorrows than average Joe has. But it´s not in the bike or the tyres or the forks or whatnot. It´s in the moments of freedom experienced and the joy. Sitting on a hillside or a mountaintop just once gives my soul food for years. And where there´s a will, there´s a way. Sometimes fate just joins in and gives you a bonus. But we have to see it when it happens. Don´t focus too much on the anxiety... it´s not logical that everything ALWAYS turns out for the worst. Sometimes good things happen (see my new post).

      I, for one, am very happy you ride again, and hope you can enjoy some plain old fun!

      As usual, all my best wishes to you, and keep up on that really cool trail!

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Now go on, discuss and rant and push my ego;-). As long as it´s a respectful message, every comment is welcome!

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