Donnerstag, 16. Juni 2016

Plan and broke

The plan was clear. My birthday had passed with the usual catastrophe, and I had just mopped up the shards and ruins of that what was left of my life afterwards as usual, so, in order to celebrate another survival of the shittiest day of the year, I thought, yeah, get out to do some foraging and some nice riding, have a coffee and a cake.
I went to the Felsengarten and got myself some herbs... 
 Sage, salvia officinalis, in German: Salbei, for tea. I like to have a sage tea when the weather is hot to cool down, and it´s good against coughs and flus and fever.

 Got myself some pine cones and sprouts for pine honey against coughs and stomach problems and for schnapps.
 Some common yarrow (Alchemilla millefolia, in German: Schafgarbe)
 Lavender, because it smells oh so good and for mead spice.
 Oh yeah, and I DID some light trials riding amongst the rocks and had fun. BIG mistake, as we will learn further down.
 But at first, I paid a long overdue visit to one of my fav cafés, the käse-deele. I had a coffee and a wafer...
 It started to rain, but I was sitting smugly under a bush and really enjoyed the good food, the solitude and the soft and silent rain.
 In fact, the landlady came over and we had a chat, and I got myself another really good coffee at a bargain, and I really breathed through and enjoyed my life. Moments like this are really cool for me, for then I can forget that the world´s a shitty place these days and people kill each other all over the world for petty reasons. It reminds me of the good old days of my childhood, of simple joys like this.
I know this is escapism, but what shall I do? I can´t help it any. I can just try to keep the damage at a minimum. And my own life is not exactly easy, too, so I need my time-out, too.

Turned out it was not that sustainable. I just rolled away from the café to hit some trails, when my bike started to creak. And creak louder. And louder still. And with a final crack I found myself sitting almost on my rear tire, for my seat tube broke.

Can´t afford a new frame, of course.

So, again some stressing out, for I do not just ride for the fun of it, but to get around, too.
Having no bike will raise my costs to a level where even getting to work will compromise my food and bodycare. Cool. :-(

Now, I will of course find a solution. Of course I will make it work. And it will not depress me any more. But it sucks. It is not that I do not work. It´s just that no one wants to pay me for it. If I would be on the dole, I would have 300 € more to spend per month. But I refuse to have anyone tell me how to live my private life. So the dole is not an option.

I do not want to whine about all this. Whining will not help. Noone will mercy me. There is no mercy, and who tells otherwise is lying.

What I sincerely want is that you understand this:

Everything comes at a price. Freedom isn´t free. Sometimes life sucks. But I will not die by a cracked frame. I do not regret the coffee or the wafers or the chat or the rain or the fragrant herbs in my backpack. I do not regret the soft rain on my face and the silent moments or well-natured chats with fellow humans. It is sad that my frame broke, and one might get a bit superstitious, and yap, I am. But I do not want to trade for a Mammonist´s life. I don´t want to give in to the anxiety that befouls so many people´s lives these days.

Some of you have hard lives that suck sometimes. Life these days is not only not easy for many of you, but a shitty hell, when you are standing on the wrong side of the line. But problems can be solved. And after every problem solved, you come out the stronger for it. You might not notice, and people tell you otherwise, but it´s simple and true.

If you give in to Mammon, however, not only your life is fucked, but your soul.

I refuse my ancient soul to be taken from me by the grey one. Call him Mammon-Pluto, Mammon-Baal, Baal-Zamon, Vrtra, Nidhöggr, Azi-Dahaka, Shaitan or Satan, it does not matter. By solving my problems with a smile, I will fight him. I will fight him to my last breath and from the first breath of my next life, with every breath of the next life to the last breath and so on through the aeons, until the world will end or this abomination is erased from the Noumenon. I will fight with smile and laughter and tears and cries and making good things and enjoying and being sad and being fierce and loving and furious and gentle. I will fight him in the world and the next and all worlds that can be, and in my own soul. I will fight him at the roots of the world tree and high up in the sky. I will tear apart his disciples with my hammers and tongs, with my saw and my chisel, with my files and pens and pencils, with sword and shield, with bow and arrow, with gun and rifle, with cauldron and goblet, with dagger and staff. By the fortress of the four winds: He will not take over completely my soul or the souls of my friends. By the heart of the Holy Wind: I will name him. By fire and wind: I will raid his fortress of the nine lies, and my dragons will seize him and prey on his flesh. I will fly again.


Care to join in? ;-)

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